ball & chain
by Lether-pearl
Summary: Mello at Wammy's coming to the realisation of the world around him.  M  for subject matter later on and language.  Enjoy
1. Introduction

AUTHOR NOTE: Heya, this is my first fanfic so it's probaly a bit of a failure. It's set in Wammys when Mello is about thirteen. Sorry in advance for spelling and grammer. This is just the introduction, nothing really happens lol. ENJOY

My mind is in a bad phase at the moment.

I feel that my thoughts are now embedded with such negativity that I can't seem to get my mind out of this, this hole. I don't look forward to things anymore, I feel as if I am on autopilot. Complete the task. Complete the day. Repeat. 

I find myself looking around Wammy's and finding everything wrong with society within these walls. Captivity, Competition, Distrust, Insecrurity, Immarturity, Prejudice, Peer pressure. Just like any school really, where one would walk around the corridors; Pretending to be nice to everyone they meet, pretending to care about what so-and-so said to what's-her-face, deep down inside just wanting to get away to somewhere quiet and serene.

I look outside and just wish I could pass those domineering bars, lurking at me with fake promises of a better world.

It's sound sterotypical, but I feel trapped. 

It's sound cliche, but I have no-one to talk to. I'm not saying I am a loner, or unpopular for that fact. It's just , I have no empathy for these people around me , I don't care about them and vice versa. There is nobody who has the same social standards as me, nobody who can heed my longings or simply stand my behaviour for that matter. I want people to be able to stand me ,though.

It's natural for humans to want people to care or 'love' them. Humans want to be acknowledeged and cared for by the people around them, who also share the same desires. We often pretend to care about others though, we buy false gifts or pretend to be upset when told of a friend you have never heard of passing away, just to show you care. It's natural. People want to be liked. It's a natural thought to think about what might happen after you die, who will actually give a toss about you and attend your funeral. Who will be those people who will grief for you for years to come?

On my list I have: Matt, possibly 

Other people will attend my funeral of course, but only for presintation reasons. Rodger and maybe Watari (maybe even L) but only to make it look like the Orpahnage cares.

Why am I thinking about death so easily? I'm not planning on jumping off a building any time time soon. Suicide is just stupid, i have too much pride at stake for such a selfish, immature act. I would just be branding my name for decades to come as, 'that kid who couldn't stand life, that kid who was too weak.' I'm deteremined to die a more heoric and deserving death, when I am ready for 'death'.

If I did die though, Matt would care, i know he would. That makes me feel better for some reason. I don't see Matt that often, but he's always friendly and sencere whenever i do, even when I threaten to bash his fucking head in. He's always positive, always going on with his 'live with it, at least you have this to be happy about..' philosiphies that make me cringe deep down. I may have some things in life to be happy about, but i lack many other things that i can feel miserable about. I like Matt though. Not just because he is labeled 'third' which is lower then my intellectual status (which in all honesty, does create a stronger sense of security for myself). But, beacuse he dosen't care about my personality faults like everyone else. Matt himself, has many personality faults that i deal with too. He's blunt and anti-social. He's tactless and easily bored. He's uncharasmatic and quiet. So on. But I have learned to deal with him, like he did me. I'm impulsive and reckless. I'm agressive and domineering. I'm obsessive and over zealous. He's deals with it. 

I don't trust him though. I don't tell him about my dreams and secrets like many close friends may. Nor does he trust me most likely. When i think about that, i suddenly feel depressed. I want to trust him, but i have nothing i want to tell him. I don't want to tell him of my past or even my present for that matter. Yet, whenever I see him, I feel secure, I don't have to talk. I just peer down at his rustic auburn hair and his slacking eyes that entwine with mine and I feel accomplished. I like Matt. 

My mind is in a bad phase at the moment, my mind is dark. I want to escape Wammys, yet I do not want to endure the world outside. Even if i succeed in leaving Wammy's, I just know I will hate the world outside, I'm like that. I love wherever I'm not. I want to just sleep aimlessly for eternity or, encounter something close to nothingness within the boundaries of my mind. I don't want to put on an act my whole life. 


	2. backward

AUTHOUR NOTE: Okay, a bit of a nothing chapter. Just developing mello a bit more etc. So sorry for spelling mistakes and grammer, I don't have word so i can't spell check slaps head I know i know. Anyways, enjoy the offical first chapter!

I don't want to be "Miheal" anymore. 

I'm a stray boy too weird for society, too weird for Wammy's even. Everyone here seems to be too intellectual for their own good, as well as having 'bad' pasts that obviously affect a child's way of thinking, me included We all have developed arkward behaviour/personality flaws that would go noticed in everyday life. Everyone is strange. But, I don't want to be 'strange'. I don't want to be me.

I want to be a different person for once, see if their life is better/worse then mine is. See what i am able to compare my life too. 

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"Hey Matt." I walked over towards Matt, who simply nodded in reply. He was sitting up againest the granite wall of the courtyard playing a DS.. "Haven't seen you for a few days, how are ya?" 

"Good."

"Anything...happen over the past few days?"

"Not really." I peer down at his bowed head, god I feel pissed off when he does that. He never contributes anything to a convosation! I'm the one who always has the make the effort. Urgh, whatever.  
"What. You just played your Ds for a whole week?" I lean againest the wall, glaring down at Matt from above.

"Could say so." He was playing with such focus, focus on me you stupid prick! "What about you?"

"Nothing really," I sighed. I can't think of anything to say. "I'll see you later yeah?" I get off from the wall I was leaning againest and stride towards the main building.

"See ya." Matt replies under his breathe. 

It's always this arkwardness between us. I want to see him, but then I have nothing to say. I don't want to talk that bullshit, 'oh look at the weather' small talk, it's a waste of time and I know Matt would probaly just ignore me if I did that. I don't want to talk about studies, or about the Orphanage. Or about celebrities or gossip about the people around our school. Whatever.

I stroll off back to my dorm, which i have to myself thankfully. Most people my age here have a room to themselves, only the younger ones have to share. That I am grateful for, at least I have privacy. 

The sky is muted with dull clouds that shade the sky, dreary and grey as usual I seem to find. It's November, tree's are dead and so is the light. I like winter though, I like to feel warm and safe in my room with the firplace burning in the foreground as the exterior freezes over on the outside. I like my room.

My 'neighbour' Is a girl called Angela. I talked to her a few times, but i think I scared her off when I told her her mum was a whore (actually a fact.) she has black hair swept to the side and a sense for music I seemed to gather. She always smiles to me, and waves whenever i walk past her. Usually I just ignore her or give her a cold look in return. I neither like or hate her, she simply exsists.

I sit in my dorm, looking down at the world from my high up window. I am almost on the top floor, so i can see most of the Hamlet the orphanage is in from my room. I can see some kids playing around in the court yard, and older ones smoking forbidden fags around the back. Same as always really.

Maybe I should study. Yeah, clear my mind out.

I open a drawer on my desk, searching for a Psyhcology book to revise from. I finally retrive it from the bottom of the drawer and start working. I need to improve, obtain my future goals, i need to get better and succeed, i need to study-

I can't though. Fucking Angela is playing music on full blast, causing the desk and walls to vibrate. Fucking bitch...

Obviously, I get up and knock rapidly on her door. I wait patiently for a few seconds before I knock harder with the side of my fist againest the thin wooden door.

I hear scattering noises and shuffling for a few moments. And then she opens the door.

"Oh hi." She smiles, as if there was no situation at all. 

"Turn the music off...please. I need to study." I try to be polite.

"Oh sure, sorry. It helps me 'get in the zone' you know?"

"Yeah..." I reply bluntly, as she strolls off to turn her stereo knob down a few inches. The music deteariated, almost creating a defeaning silence to replace the rock music. "Thanks"

"Oh wait, M-Miheal, right? Can you do me a favour?" Angela asked with such an apologetic smile, almost pathetically.

"Yeah." i sigh, shifting my weight to one leg, crosses my arms.

"Can you just watch my laptop and make sure all my coursework get's burned onto my disk. I really, really need to see someone, and this thing keeps crashing. All you have to click is "yes" every now and then. Please?" 

I don't bother looking at her. I know she'll have this nasty fake smile plastered on her face. "Yeah fine, just don't take long." 

"thankyou! thankyou!" She grabbed a bag and stridded out her room with great satisfaction. Leaving me alone, in a messy room with walls covered in graphic posters, computer wires scattered across her room and clothes bombarded on each side of the floor.. 

I sheepishly walk towards her laptop, making sure that whenever a warning came up I just clicked "yes" like she instructed. On the seat there was a piece of black clothing. Obviously, I picked it up so i could sit down. The clothing was fine, silk mini skirt which I tossed to the side, she wouldn't care. I peered around the room, looking down at all the garabage chucked upon the mohagonagy floor.

Even after just a few minutes I felt bored. This was going to take forever... it had only downloaded 3 percent. All i can do is inspect all the crap around her bad-taste room.

I get up from where I sat after about 15 minutes, analysing the contents of the room closely. I looked at one of her posters in more detail and flicked through her CD collection silently. She wouldn't care. She would probaly be proud to show off her 'unique' taste in music, I didn't know any of the bands anyway. I glanced at her books and checked out her collection of Beer cans under her bed, I open a few doors in curiosity. I checked out her wardrobe quickly.

Maybe I took too much time examining each item in her wardrobe. She had amazing skirts and dresses, all had black lace or ribbon to add a fine detail to each item. She had band shirts and high heels which could go with anything. Her bag collection was of a huge range, each could match up nicely with any outfit. Her makeup was set up nicely on one side of her wardrobe, near a full length mirror. 

Maybe I payed too much attention to this.

I peered over at the computer ...11 percent. I sighed hopelessly. 

I'm going to tell you a fatal secret of mine. Sometimes, only sometimes, I wish i were a girl. I've always wanted close friends that girls always seem to have. I didn't want to watch football or play with action figures when I was younger like most boys. I wanted things to be nice, just to talk like most girls do. It must be the same for girls, I bet they wish they could be boys sometimes. So they could be pshically stronger or be able to make the first move in a relantionship for once. I was always mistaken for a girl as a young kid, my face was too soft for a boy's someone once said. 

People have started telling that I'm going to be seeing girls 'in a different way' soon. I haven't really noticed anything yet, but i will soon. I do know, that girls in certain outfits are sexy and glamorus. When they wear short skirts and low cut tops, like the ones I'm looking at now. Girls are obviously the sexy ones. Boys don't really dress up or bother putting much effort into their apperence as much as girls do. 

...15 percent.

If I were a girl, I wonder if i would be different. Obviously I would, but i mean personality wise. Would I still be this backward person i am today?

I picked up that skirt I chucked earlier and placed it againest my hips, just for a second. If I were a girl, would I know whether or not this suited me? 

If I were a girl, would I have been happy? 

I pulled the skirt over my jeans, just for a second and examined my figure in the mirror. Did I suit it? I wasn't sure. Maybe I should check without my jeans on.

I slipped my jeans off, and glanced at myself in the full length mirror. I felt absurd. My legs look long, no. This is wrong. Why did I do this? 

I shoved my jeans back on and ripped the skirt off, chucking it once again on the ground.

...22 percent.

What would people have said if they had seen me a few moments ago? God, i feel flushed, embarressed about where my thoughts took me. 

I'm a boy. Why did that basic fact slip my mind? 

"Hey!" I jumped from shock, whipping my head around to see Angela at the door frame. "Sorry, i took so long. Thanks for checking my computer, bye!" She gestured to the door, almost rudely, for me to 'make my way'.

"Sure, Bye." I felt as if I had gone red. I rushed out the room and slammed the door behind me as I entered my dorm.

I felt so..wrong. 

I have no-one who i tell all this about to. Even if my parents were with me, i wouldn't be able to tell them about me ...dressing...as a girl... They would throw the bible at me and kick me out the house most likely. 

I feel insecure, more then I have felt for a long time. It's the first time i have ever felt confused about myself.

I don't want to be this boy, this backward boy. 


End file.
